Leaving

This may come as a surprise to some. Others may have seen this coming from day one. The truth is that, for me, it has been a gradual process of deep thought and prayer that has guided me to make this decision. I joined the Peace Corps and came to Peru because, after four years of killing myself over something that seemed so meaningless and materialistic, I had a desire to help others. I know I came here with the right motives and an all or nothing mindset. In fact, up until a short while ago, I still had the right motivation and a feeling of peace. Slowly that feeling of peacefulness has faded and has been replaced with discontentment and confusion, a longing in my heart for some sort of change. I have no obvious reason for feeling this way. The other volunteers in Arequipa are amazing people and I am blessed with an incredible site. I kept thinking I was just in one of those “valleys” we talked so much about during training. I kept trying to remind myself of all the reasons I should stay and suddenly found that foolish pride was number one, helping people was no longer at the top of my list or even on it for that matter. The more I thought I about it, I realized I am doing service work selfishly. What an oxymoron.

Another important realization I have made is that I was helping people at home. I just wasn’t able to see it at the time. I was a shoulder to cry on or someone to just listen in the middle of the night when a friend needed someone. I was a daughter who eased her mother’s worries by living in the same country as her. I was a grandaughter that came to visit whenever I could. I was there for anyone that needed a companion for an adventure. I was a niece to pass time with when a daughter moved away. I was a fellow design student that had a small role in helping the others get through it. I was a coworker that would always give someone a ride home. I was a babysitter. I was an advice giver, a dog walker, and someone who specialized in always making people laugh. I don’t want this to sound like bragging because it is not. It is really just a self-evaluation that I am able to make because I have stepped out of my life to get a third party perspective.

I have been gone for 7 months (8 if you want to count California and England) and in reality not that much has changed at home. The world did go on turning without me. Friends and family missed me but they continued living their lives. Some new buildings were built. Some businesses had closed. There is a McDonalds in Shartlesville now?! Some old friends moved back home and some old friends moved far away. People got engaged, married, pregnant, or became parents. Kids got older… well everyone got older. And a close friend passed away. I don’t want to imagine what I would miss in another year and a half. I knew I would miss out on things when I left. It was part of the deal. I guess I just didn’t think about how short life is when I did it. Yes I am young but, as we have all recently seen, that doesn’t always matter.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-T.S. Eliot

As much as I hate quitting things, I think that is an awful reason to stay. I will have other opportunities to travel and other ways to pay for grad school. Did I even want a government job anyway? I will be able to visit Peru in the future. I will be able to stay friends with the fellow volunteers that I am blessed to have met. I have faith that I will be able to find some sort of job regardless of the state of the economy. Although it will be hard to leave, it would be even harder to stay. Peru will always have a place in my heart. It has changed me more than I can even know right now. It just all comes down to what I truly believe is the most important thing in my life… spending it with people that I love. Kara always says, “I spell love T-I-M-E.” I was able to do that before I left and now I have to spell it the normal way and in emails or myspace messages. What I am trying to say in a really round-about way is that I want to know that I spent as much time as I possibly could with Granddad (and everyone else) before it is too late.

I'm Back

Being home was AMAZING. It would be hard to summarize it all in here- although I think anyone that reads this blog probably shared it with me anyway.

I got into Peru super late last night. The line at immigration took me like an hour and 45 minutes to get through... So, I didn't get out of the airport until about 2am. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.

I had a bit of an ironic situation on the plane when I turned to see Kenneth (a volunteer from my training group) standing in the aisle next to me about halfway through the ride. AND even more ironically he had been in the states for Christmas and New Years to visit with his sick grandfather, too. It is a strange world we live in.

I have some explaining to do for everyone but I will let that wait for about a week. I need to work on putting my thoughts into words. Stay tuned for that.

With my Ladies

not the sunglasses....

Susan and Feesh!!!

i feel home.

Homeward Bound

Wrote you this
I hope you got it safe
It's been so long
I don't know what to say
I've travelled 'round
Through deserts on my horse
But jokes aside
I wanna come back home
You know that night
I said I had to go
You said you'd meet me
On the sunny road
- Sunny Road, Emiliana Torrini

I´m in Arequipa right now... my bus for Lima leaves tonight. I can´t believe the time has finally come! I can´t stop smiling and I don´t think I´ve ever been this excited for Christmas before, which is saying a lot if you know me.

I´m off... into the great wide open.

Still Here

¨As long as we can love eachother, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.¨
- Tuesdays with Morrie

We will never forget you.

Things I´ve Learned Since Coming To Peru

- How to speak Spanish. I am definitely not fluent but I can speak it all day everyday.
- How to eat things I wouldn´t dare to touch in the states and pretend to like it.
- That you can rent really sweet costumes for the equivalent of $5 a night.
- That you apparently need to be a little bit crazy to join the Peace Corps... crazy in a good way, of course. The other volunteers here are a little bit of amazing.
- How to be alone... and not go completely insane.
- All about Catholicism... I´ve been to too many confirmation classes.
- How to drink beer... probably not the best thing to have learned but it is cheap and safe.
- That strangers don´t automatically high-five you, if you run towards them with your hand up. They just think you are insane.
- How to sit through a telenovela, which is even more painful than American soap operas.
- That care packages or letters can brighten the saddest of days.
- How to knit a scarf and make super awesome friendship bracelets.
- You can find peanut butter, oreos, pringles, and snickers in Peru... for a price.
- How to do my eye makeup... even though I still choose not to, usually.
- That recycling has been so strongly instilled in my character that I have about 50 giant plastic water bottles under my bed because I just can´t bring myself to throw them in the trash.
- How to put all of my faith in God.
- How to deal with piropos (guys that whistle, make kissing noises, or shout ¨Melody my love¨or ¨Hello you drive me crazy baby¨)
- How to take freezing cold showers. Although, I´m pretty sure I´ll never learn to enjoy them.
- How to bargain for everything... and in Spanish none the less. I get seriously upset if the taxi driver tries to cheat me out of 50 centimos.
- That it is culturally normal for everyone to tell you that you´ve gotten fatter and to smile in spite of it all.
- How to attract gym teachers from far and wide... Not that I try to.
- They don´t know how to make jeans in this country.
- How to dance to cumbia, huayno, salsa, and reggaeton. Peruvians love to dance... and they love to watch gringas dance even more.
- To never again take Mountain Dew or good pizza for granted.
- How to cry regularly. It just doen´t feel like a normal week if I don´t cry at least twice.
- That some people are willing to open their homes and lives up to a complete stranger.
- That I am truly blessed to have so many incredible supportive people back home. Thanks guys.

Everything happens for a reason

Awhile back, I programmed this into my Peruvian cell phone as a welcome message. I rarely turn my phone off but somewhere along the journey back to Arequipa it died. After an hour of charging yesterday afternoon, I turned it on to find ¨Everything happens for a reason¨ sprawled across the screen. Not more than a few hours later, I called home to tell my mom I´d made it back safely to the capital city. Instead of my mom´s voice on the other end of the line it was Tara and she was sobbing. Apparently, she was just told a friend of ours had been seriously injured and is in the intensive care unit right now. I don´t know anything more than that.

Sometimes awful things happen and it is very hard to make sense of why they do. Why right now? Why so young? Sometimes all we can do is pray. Even though most of the time we don´t even know what to pray for.

Please pray for Sean Weed, his family, and his friends.